Where have all my friends gone?
Today, I have about 3 friends that I know I can count on wholeheartedly. Call-them-when-I-need-them-to-come-over-and-pay-for-my-hospital-fees-if-I-get-seriously-injured-overseas. Friends that I would drop everything for, friends that I will donate my kidney to. Friends that I know will take care of my family when I die, and would also do the same for without asking.
3 seems like an extremely small number for a 23 year old. But I'm being extremely particular in this criteria. This is because I will devote and prioritise these 3 people over and above many other aspects of my life, perhaps up to the same level as my family/boyfriend (Would you count your other half to be on the same priority level as your close friends?).
During the ages 17-21, I used to worry incessantly about the decreasing number of friends I seemed to have. I guess its a natural phenomenon that everyone faces, to see their friend group whittle down over the years. Some time back I started to stop feeling sad or bad about myself that I was losing friends, and got happier and understood the reason why life works the way it works.
Some friends I lost because we grew apart due to differing interests. Others I lost because of the lack of time, and before we knew it, we were too busy with our own lives to properly catch up with each other. Most I lost contact with, mutually, probably because both of us decided we had better things to prioritise than each other. See, there is never really "no time" for two people to meet. Time is a matter of management. If someone can't make the time in his/her schedule to meet, then someone probably doesn't prioritise meeting you that much in the first place.
So why am I happy despite my seemingly "small" count of friends?
Let me first explain more about the friends I lost along the way, and why I am contented that we don't meet, or only meet for the occasional catch-up nowadays. Then, I will move on to talk about why I am satisfied with the close friends that I have.
When I was younger, I was obsessed with fitting in. I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be cool. I wanted to have friends and have fun. I made friends fast. We hung out together, often doing crazy things together, laughing for absolutely no reason at all. When I got home and was alone though, I became a completely different person. The laughter I had just a few hours ago seemed to die and fade off so quickly. The fun I had was just a temporary high. In conclusion, the friends I made didn't really connect with me on a deeper level. We were just together because we had fun with each other. However, none of us were to blame for this. We were just kids in secondary school, trying to get by and have fun. I definitely didn't start thinking about stuff like "what are my values?" or "what do I want out of life?".
As the saying goes, easy come, easy go. Over time, the friendships got cut off by teenage drama, or loss of interest in each other. Only over the past years I stopped being nostalgic and pining for my lost friendships, the memories that would never come back again. We've all moved on and grown up. The memories will remain treasured in my heart, and except for the extremely occasional gathering, the friendships will also remain buried. Why the change of heart? I realised that if a relationship doesn't work, there is no point in maintaining it.
If you are staying friends with someone just for the memories, or to remain polite, or for whatever reason it may be, let me tell you this: there isn't enough time in life for you to spend on trivial matters. Focus on what matters for a meaningful life. Think about how much time, effort and energy you are putting into a relationship and analyse the outcomes. Does the relationship feed you as much as you feed it? Does it grow you? Does it improve you as a person? If you are maintaining an old friendship for superficial purposes, then I would suggest that you are better off spending that time on other activities that might benefit you more.
Its the old trade-off between energy and activities in evolution. Should a young male deer with undeveloped antlers spend his energy trying to find a mate, fighting older, stronger, males with well-developed antlers? Or is he better off growing himself first, to gain a better chance of reproduction in the future?
Life is full of trade-offs. You spend more time on relationships that don't matter, you lose that time to spend on relationships that actually matter: your family, perhaps. I used the time that I gained from all the lost friendships to build better relationships with my family, that I had been neglecting over my teenage years. I spent that time solidifying relationships with people who shared similar life values as me, people that I know would continue being a special and close part of my life despite them having different ambitions and life paths from me.
I am satisfied with the current amount of close friends that I have. I count myself lucky to have even one. It is such a comfort to be able to call a person "home". It is the best feeling in the world. Close friendships that give you unconditional love, friends that you can cry to, or talk about your dreams with. Even when they probably do not understand the technicalities of your career, or your chosen path in life, they remain invested, they remain interested.
True friends grow with you. I regularly share interesting TED talks, insights on life, lessons that I've learnt with my best friend and she does the same for me. We are happy for each other's successes (something I might not have been extremely comfortable with in the past), and we always hope the best for each other.
This summarizes what I have learnt from 23 years of being alive. I am pretty sure this is not the best opinion about friendship, however, I am sure that as I continue growing, I will learn more about life and friendship and understand everything a little better than now.
Edit: This is not to say that I have completely abandoned all my friends that aren't "close enough". Rather, my intention is that I am now fine with letting go of friendships that are forced, with friends who have no common interests with me. I do have a group of friends, not just the 3, who are also loved and cherished by me, who I have fun times with. The argument in this reflection is that I have begun to realise that with friendships, quality is way better than quantity.
(Thanks Dad for your advice)
3 seems like an extremely small number for a 23 year old. But I'm being extremely particular in this criteria. This is because I will devote and prioritise these 3 people over and above many other aspects of my life, perhaps up to the same level as my family/boyfriend (Would you count your other half to be on the same priority level as your close friends?).
During the ages 17-21, I used to worry incessantly about the decreasing number of friends I seemed to have. I guess its a natural phenomenon that everyone faces, to see their friend group whittle down over the years. Some time back I started to stop feeling sad or bad about myself that I was losing friends, and got happier and understood the reason why life works the way it works.
Some friends I lost because we grew apart due to differing interests. Others I lost because of the lack of time, and before we knew it, we were too busy with our own lives to properly catch up with each other. Most I lost contact with, mutually, probably because both of us decided we had better things to prioritise than each other. See, there is never really "no time" for two people to meet. Time is a matter of management. If someone can't make the time in his/her schedule to meet, then someone probably doesn't prioritise meeting you that much in the first place.
So why am I happy despite my seemingly "small" count of friends?
Let me first explain more about the friends I lost along the way, and why I am contented that we don't meet, or only meet for the occasional catch-up nowadays. Then, I will move on to talk about why I am satisfied with the close friends that I have.
When I was younger, I was obsessed with fitting in. I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be cool. I wanted to have friends and have fun. I made friends fast. We hung out together, often doing crazy things together, laughing for absolutely no reason at all. When I got home and was alone though, I became a completely different person. The laughter I had just a few hours ago seemed to die and fade off so quickly. The fun I had was just a temporary high. In conclusion, the friends I made didn't really connect with me on a deeper level. We were just together because we had fun with each other. However, none of us were to blame for this. We were just kids in secondary school, trying to get by and have fun. I definitely didn't start thinking about stuff like "what are my values?" or "what do I want out of life?".
As the saying goes, easy come, easy go. Over time, the friendships got cut off by teenage drama, or loss of interest in each other. Only over the past years I stopped being nostalgic and pining for my lost friendships, the memories that would never come back again. We've all moved on and grown up. The memories will remain treasured in my heart, and except for the extremely occasional gathering, the friendships will also remain buried. Why the change of heart? I realised that if a relationship doesn't work, there is no point in maintaining it.
If you are staying friends with someone just for the memories, or to remain polite, or for whatever reason it may be, let me tell you this: there isn't enough time in life for you to spend on trivial matters. Focus on what matters for a meaningful life. Think about how much time, effort and energy you are putting into a relationship and analyse the outcomes. Does the relationship feed you as much as you feed it? Does it grow you? Does it improve you as a person? If you are maintaining an old friendship for superficial purposes, then I would suggest that you are better off spending that time on other activities that might benefit you more.
Its the old trade-off between energy and activities in evolution. Should a young male deer with undeveloped antlers spend his energy trying to find a mate, fighting older, stronger, males with well-developed antlers? Or is he better off growing himself first, to gain a better chance of reproduction in the future?
Life is full of trade-offs. You spend more time on relationships that don't matter, you lose that time to spend on relationships that actually matter: your family, perhaps. I used the time that I gained from all the lost friendships to build better relationships with my family, that I had been neglecting over my teenage years. I spent that time solidifying relationships with people who shared similar life values as me, people that I know would continue being a special and close part of my life despite them having different ambitions and life paths from me.
I am satisfied with the current amount of close friends that I have. I count myself lucky to have even one. It is such a comfort to be able to call a person "home". It is the best feeling in the world. Close friendships that give you unconditional love, friends that you can cry to, or talk about your dreams with. Even when they probably do not understand the technicalities of your career, or your chosen path in life, they remain invested, they remain interested.
True friends grow with you. I regularly share interesting TED talks, insights on life, lessons that I've learnt with my best friend and she does the same for me. We are happy for each other's successes (something I might not have been extremely comfortable with in the past), and we always hope the best for each other.
This summarizes what I have learnt from 23 years of being alive. I am pretty sure this is not the best opinion about friendship, however, I am sure that as I continue growing, I will learn more about life and friendship and understand everything a little better than now.
Edit: This is not to say that I have completely abandoned all my friends that aren't "close enough". Rather, my intention is that I am now fine with letting go of friendships that are forced, with friends who have no common interests with me. I do have a group of friends, not just the 3, who are also loved and cherished by me, who I have fun times with. The argument in this reflection is that I have begun to realise that with friendships, quality is way better than quantity.
(Thanks Dad for your advice)
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